Guilt

Being in a relationship with two other people especially two very different people that were raised two completely ways. I was raised where guilt wasn’t a big issue in every day life, but my two boys it was a part of everyday life in very different ways. G it was used to keep him on an obligation leash to keep him involved with his family and preventing him from growing up. N’s guilt is his guilt not his families’ guilt he wants to have his cake by having an adult life and be a great son too (by the way he’s a great son they both are). I want to reassure them that they don’t need to feel guilt specifically around or about me, I understand they can’t just snap their fingers and their own guilt issues will go away I just don’t want to give them more guilt issues. I want to make sure that I will be supportive for them no matter what but guilt is just of the few feelings I just don’t understand personally so I can’t help except hold their hands and be there to support them. I want to get past some of my own issues not having to do with guilt but I don’t want to put too many of my own issues on them all at once because I CAN’T overwhelm them I have a whole lifetime to do that. I know sometimes I get too paranoid about worrying them but that’s just my nature. I worry about worrying them and they about worrying me, is that paranoia or love.

-3isnotacrowd

Showing love to the other

I have to be concerned that I’m making my boyfriend feel left out because I’m focused on the other too much. Because of the personal situation of N I spend a lot of my time with him on Skype and text which can be several hours and during the evening which G works all day and we have M as well so that ¬†makes things even more complicated and even less time for G. G and I try to make the most of the time we have together and know that we are also trying to make the appropriate amount of the time to have everyone feel happy and loved. I know that G says that he knows I need to spend time with N anyway I can but also I know he feels that I focus sometimes too much of my energy on N.
What the people who read my blog need to understand this is not my first polyamorous relationship and I know how to sort through most of these problems eventually but sometimes you need to vent even if nobody wants to listen/read but you know that someone might get some advice or idea or can empathize with the situation. I have a degree in sex and relationships with also a degree in counseling for families. The number one rule I learned in school don’t take your own advice because it always backfires and every time I have taken my own advice it has actually backfired usually very badly. I’m new to the blogging thing and I hope I can help someone as I get better at it.

-3isnotacrowd

Missing the third

In my relationship N does not live with me and because of other personal commitments he doesn’t get to spend the time that he would like to. I try to make him feel loved and wanted from a distance of like a mile away literally. We Skype and text every day for multiple hours and we do spend time physically (actually in the same house/room ) together but it’s just not enough. This situation of us being apart is temporary and we have a whole life together to make up this time apart but the part of our relationship we are in is very important to spend time physically together as much as we need or want to. I want to be the perfect girlfriend and be supportive without leaving G behind, and G understands that and and G and I do have time together when my time with N is done for the night and also before my night with N has started. The more time N and I spend physically apart it’s gets harder to not want to break commitments and obligations for both of us and sneak a visit but we know that’s not possible and we both feel like we are letting the other one down. I know we can figure out a way to have our cake and eat too… To have time for each other and our commitments and obligations.

-3isnotacrowd

Dreams

I had my nightly conversation with N and it lead to our dreams from the night before and we realized we had similar dreams about the lack of self control in a sexual nature. We have agreed to get to know each other on a more intellectual level before we have a sexual relationship it makes sense but it makes our self control being put to its limits. I never thought I would have a problem with self control because of my intelligence I can keep my mind on lots of other things other than sex but with N all of those things go out the window. Even when he is here to meet my family I wanted to rip his clothes off to relieve my “stress” which at that time would have been very inappropriate for I hope to others obvious reasons. I really hope it gets easier as time goes by and we are able to have sex more frequently than we are now.

-3isnotacrowd

The Visit

I had a visit from my parents to meet my partners G and N and also their grandson for the first time ¬†which I thought would be a complicated situation with judgements and concerns and my sanity. When I introduced my parents to G and N my father welcomed them with open arms they understand it takes two to handle me and that this type of relationship makes me happy and its healthy for me. My mother didn’t handle it well she thought my relationship wasn’t normal and took the more angry route. My mother and I after our original visit just didn’t talk about N anymore. My father handled it with love and respect which surprised me. I’m glad that my visit went well for the most part and I look forward to seeing them again soon but I think separately .
We went to dinner as a family and I had a minor panic attack but went outside for a minute and then I was fine. It has been awhile since I have seen my parents (a long while like 15 years) so my visit was just as much for them to meet me again just as much to meet my significant others and my child . After dinner we went to my favorite store so I could mellow out and so I could pick up a few things. We just hung out the next day and I had a fun dad/daughter activity with my dad (he took me on a driving lesson) that was great and an experience every child should be able to have with a parent. My visit was great…and I look forward to the next visit.
-3isnotacrowd