A little about N

N and I have been dating for over 2 years and it has been very interesting in a good way.  N’s is a quiet, intelligent, sweet guy who loves a good book but also loves to see a little bit of culture too. He loves to go dancing to see a play or the opera and to see a good art show. He has gotten more confident as our relationship has progressed, don’t get me wrong he is still and quiet, shy, laid back guy. We talk about all kinds of different subjects and I get to learn something new about him every time we have one of our long conversations. He cares about the environment, and alternative energy, he loves animals and truly cares about other people even people he doesn’t know. He grew up in a great family who knows about our relationship and is incredibly supportive. He’s G’s best friend and they have been friends for about 15 years and they couldn’t imagine not being in each other’s lives. I’m glad that G introduced me to him and I love him very much.


Family dynamic

our family dynamic is pretty normal family expect we are polyamorous. We have me and G as M’s parents and then Uncle N and M doesn’t know about us being poly we don’t keep it from him we just don’t announce it either. His school knows about our family and so do his friend’s parents we live in a pretty liberal area so far we haven’t had too much judgement. We don’t show PDA (public display of affection) in front of M and he doesn’t see N or G in our bedroom so he doesn’t get confused. If he ever had any question we would answer them in an age appropriate way. I would like to have a proper conversation about the family dynamic and the relationship with M when it is age appropriate.


A little about G

So I have been with G for over 6 years and it’s been a crazy ride for him not me.  He’s been my rock and I don’t know where I would be mindframe wise without him.  He keeps my head in the game and keeps pushing me (in a good way) towards my goals because sometimes I want to run from my goals because of my own demons.  When I got sick he took care of me he even put his own goals on hold to take care of me full time. That’s the kind of man you never let go of and I’m not going to.  I haven’t had many long term monogamous relationships and I now know why but I always felt that I needed a person like G. G is a guy who will help you conquer the world just to watch you smile, he’s sweet by getting me flower (a tulip my favorite) and knowing tulips are my favorite just to be sweet not expecting anything. He makes sure that all of my needs are met and the needs of our son are met always and I wouldn’t have it any other way. He’s cut from a very unique cloth and his best friend is just as great but they are different too and that’s why they are perfect for me. 

Little date walks

Date night in a poly relationship is a balancing act from hell we all know this when you add a kid it’s chaos.  I have date with each of my men depending on what’s going on in my little town sometimes it’s dancing with N or a movie with G.  It also depends if we can get a sitter or does someone have to stay behind.  I love my walks with them the best. I go for a walk with each of them separately and we just go get coffee or ice cream depending the season and just walk and talk about whatever comes to mind.  We even had walks where we just enjoy each other company which works too.  It’s just am hour to decompress the day and not have to stress over worries of life.  That’s something we keep out of our walks which is probably I like them so much.

New challenges

I never thought peace would be so hard to maintain for one and also to get to begin with. My son is doing so much better in school and my life is going so much smoother with my medical and also the boys. I see N overnight now at least 4 nights a week which is a drastic improvement and we have even started making plans for our wedding. I have challenges keeping everything peaceful in just my everyday life so much so I was having panic attacks for the craziest things like the sound of the garbage truck because I would remember what day of the week and what things I have to do that day and thinking it’s one day and it turns out to be another day (we have trash pickup 3 times a week). I’ve had anxiety for most of my life and the boys do make soooo much easier to deal with but sometimes it gets so overwhelming that they can’t do anything which they hate. The only thing that can stop my anxiety in its tracks is my son N and his needs which makes my anxiety happen irrationally after he goes to bed or when he’s not around but I can’t keep him by my side 24/7 to keep the anxiety at bay.  I know from past bouts with the major anxiety it will subside but how long will it last this time…


When you decide that you will move forward in your life in a new direction not necessarily with in the relationship but you personally changing your path. I decided to change my path and I don’t know why but I don’t know why I have not done it before now. I love my fashion stuff and I still designing clothes but my true passion my whole life has been art (paint, pastels, etc…) and I feel like the last piece of my puzzle Is in its place and I know this a polyamory blog but if you don’t have your own life away from the rest of your triad your triad will fall apart. Every one needs to have their own personal hobbies and I guess you could say their own life. The boys have their hobbies and life away from me and I encourage it. My love of art have been on my life since I was little but about 9 years ago I had a bad trauma in my life and I just didn’t have the spirit for it anymore. I felt that no matter what I did I felt like something was missing from it and I would leave projects half finished. When I felt I was comfortable place with my life and my relationships I started feeling like I could start slowly and see where my art took me and it make feel complete, like everything was in my life was balanced. My relationships are going smoothly and I making progress in other parts of my life through my art. I hope that all the people that read this blog gets something good out of the blog.


Self destruction ( sorry it’s been so long)

Sorry it had been so long my wonderful followers, it has been crazy and busy and I have noticed that my life has kinda taken a detour and I’m not sure if I went the right way with my relationship. I’m still doing great with both N and G in October it will be a year with N and 4 years with G, but (you always know there will be a but when talking about relationships) I am worried I will self sabotage my relationship with N because that’s what I do at a year except with G ( honestly I have no idea how that happened). As you know N and G are best friends so G is going to make sure that I don’t ruin my relationship with N and also prepare N for the potential self destructive behavior coming ahead. G says at least he knows it coming which is a very good point but I wish I could just breeze past this bit and move on to after my craziness. We want a future together with as normal as possible we call it “the white picket fence life” which means marriage kids and owning a house with possibly a white picket fence but I just hung up on the stupid things. You have to be careful when you know are a person who can be self destructive if you don’t keep in check it can bigger than you can’t control and then your whole life falls apart. It happened to me and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. You have to know that your partners have your back no matter what no matter what you do (within reason) what you say they will be there to catch you. N and G have been dealing with my crap for a long time and I love them for it. I got sick in the last few months nothing major but that’s why you haven’t heard from in a while, but the boys had my back taking turns taking care of me and trust me when I say I’m a bitch (pardon my language) when I’m sick. Because I got sick I feel more confident that N can through my possible self destruction but I still have to watch what I do so it doesn’t completely blow up in my face.