New challenges

I never thought peace would be so hard to maintain for one and also to get to begin with. My son is doing so much better in school and my life is going so much smoother with my medical and also the boys. I see N overnight now at least 4 nights a week which is a drastic improvement and we have even started making plans for our wedding. I have challenges keeping everything peaceful in just my everyday life so much so I was having panic attacks for the craziest things like the sound of the garbage truck because I would remember what day of the week and what things I have to do that day and thinking it’s one day and it turns out to be another day (we have trash pickup 3 times a week). I’ve had anxiety for most of my life and the boys do make soooo much easier to deal with but sometimes it gets so overwhelming that they can’t do anything which they hate. The only thing that can stop my anxiety in its tracks is my son N and his needs which makes my anxiety happen irrationally after he goes to bed or when he’s not around but I can’t keep him by my side 24/7 to keep the anxiety at bay.
I know from past bouts with the major anxiety it will subside but how long will it last this time…
-3isnotacrowd

Changes

When you decide that you will move forward in your life in a new direction not necessarily with in the relationship but you personally changing your path. I decided to change my path and I don’t know why but I don’t know why I have not done it before now. I love my fashion stuff and I still designing clothes but my true passion my whole life has been art (paint, pastels, etc…) and I feel like the last piece of my puzzle Is in its place and I know this a polyamory blog but if you don’t have your own life away from the rest of your triad your triad will fall apart. Every one needs to have their own personal hobbies and I guess you could say their own life. The boys have their hobbies and life away from me and I encourage it. My love of art have been on my life since I was little but about 9 years ago I had a bad trauma in my life and I just didn’t have the spirit for it anymore. I felt that no matter what I did I felt like something was missing from it and I would leave projects half finished. When I felt I was comfortable place with my life and my relationships I started feeling like I could start slowly and see where my art took me and it make feel complete, like everything was in my life was balanced. My relationships are going smoothly and I making progress in other parts of my life through my art. I hope that all the people that read this blog gets something good out of the blog.

-3isnotacrowd

Self destruction ( sorry it’s been so long)

Sorry it had been so long my wonderful followers, it has been crazy and busy and I have noticed that my life has kinda taken a detour and I’m not sure if I went the right way with my relationship. I’m still doing great with both N and G in October it will be a year with N and 4 years with G, but (you always know there will be a but when talking about relationships) I am worried I will self sabotage my relationship with N because that’s what I do at a year except with G ( honestly I have no idea how that happened). As you know N and G are best friends so G is going to make sure that I don’t ruin my relationship with N and also prepare N for the potential self destructive behavior coming ahead. G says at least he knows it coming which is a very good point but I wish I could just breeze past this bit and move on to after my craziness. We want a future together with as normal as possible we call it “the white picket fence life” which means marriage kids and owning a house with possibly a white picket fence but I just hung up on the stupid things. You have to be careful when you know are a person who can be self destructive if you don’t keep in check it can bigger than you can’t control and then your whole life falls apart. It happened to me and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. You have to know that your partners have your back no matter what no matter what you do (within reason) what you say they will be there to catch you. N and G have been dealing with my crap for a long time and I love them for it. I got sick in the last few months nothing major but that’s why you haven’t heard from in a while, but the boys had my back taking turns taking care of me and trust me when I say I’m a bitch (pardon my language) when I’m sick. Because I got sick I feel more confident that N can through my possible self destruction but I still have to watch what I do so it doesn’t completely blow up in my face.

-3isnotacrowd

New Territory

When you are moving progressively forward in a polyamorous relationship it can get scary and harder to navigate through new territory. In my case the relationship with N and G is going well but with N it’s moving slowly which is perfectly okay with me but its not something I’m used to to doing. I’m used to moving in the main stride of the relationship quickly and then just kinda roll with the rest. N is having to guide me through a slower relationship and also remembering that slower isn’t bad . When we hang out its nice to just hang out and talk about whatever is on our minds getting to know each other more and more every day. I know that once it gets moving it will go really fast and I like that, I know N and G can go with it too.
-3isnotacrowd

Processors mistakes

When you leave a relationship and it ends badly you take that emotional baggage and you take with you into your new relationship that’s just way it is most of the time. In my case I have a lot of emotional baggage from my past that my boys are paying for, it sucks and I feel guilt for putting them though it. They are wonderful and just roll with it and I love them for it. I trust the boys with all my heart and I trust with my life,heart, and well being but I still have these hang up that affect my emotional balance with them. They are the greatest and I know they aren’t going anywhere and even I pushed them away they still wouldn’t go anywhere. If I need assurance because of the emotional baggage of my past they give it to me as many times as I need it. They are wonderful and they also some emotional baggage too and I do my best to deal with their baggage but I will admit I don’t deal with it all the greatest. I love my boys very much and I’m so glad they have blessed my life and will continue to bless my life.
-3isnotacrowd

6 months and going strong

So I’ve now been in a triad relationship for 6 months and still going on strong. I thought that it would slow down once everyone got “comfortable” but it hasn’t and I love it. With G it has less stress because he has an outlet to just be with N as a friend and/or a boyfriend but not required to be either. I can be hot and heavy with N all the time we spend to get here because we aren’t together all the time, we still talk every day but if we don’t talk until the evening it’s not a huge deal. I don’t worry that there is something wrong I’m more confident and so is N and G. We work through disasters in our lives as a team and it doesn’t seem all that bad because we have each other to depend on and lean on. Lately I have been have some unusual medical things and N and G have been there 100% and the stress from all of that seems to have made us stronger in some weird way.
-3isnotacrowd

Going to the art show

I went to a group of art shows in the town I live in and I went with N. when we got to first gallery I noticed right away this artist’s work I really liked on the wall, I also noticed I was being stared at by a complete stranger. At first I thought I was being paranoid I don’t do so well in public, but then I moved to another part of the gallery and once again the man was right behind me staring at me. I really got uncomfortable but still didn’t think much of it and left to go to another gallery. I stopped in at a art supply store and picked up a new sketch pad and I was making a decision about size and once again the man was right behind me and he said “you should get the bigger one” I was very surprised and obviously freaked out I bought the sketch book and quickly left. N and decided to go for a little walk away from the galleries to relieve some of my paranoia we went to another gallery a couple of blocks up the street and I was looking closely at some art and bumped into the same guy that had been following me all night which I had noticed walk into the gallery right behind me. I was really freaked out and held N very close we went to a couple of other galleries and went home. I still can’t figure out why this guy kept following me around but I haven’t seen the man since so I don’t know.

-3isnotacrowd